Q: I’m just trying to be a better ally. Can’t we focus on that?
A: Allies, no matter how well-intentioned, may cycle in and out, and need not necessarily see themselves as equals. Alliances can be temporary and tenuous. Their fragility has perhaps been best summed up by Dr. Autumn Asher BlackDeer: “Hell hath no fury like a mildly uncomfortable ‘ally.’” Black people have been telling us for at least half a century that what they want is comrades. Or co-conspirators. And how about being better friends? First of all, better friends to ourselves by freeing ourselves from the strictures of Whiteness, and then better friends to all the rest of humanity, through thick and thin. An ally may not necessarily be an equal. Friendship and comradeship are relationships of equality, which doesn’t mean we’re the same as our friends in all respects, it means that we don’t cycle in and out, and we value one another equally—a thing that is difficult to do if you have a position in any kind of hierarchy to defend. The Sufis, who are sometimes called the friends of God, hold friendship sacred.
Years ago, I was engaged in a long-drawn-out struggle with an institutional landlord that was trying to evict a large number of my neighbors, the vast majority of whom were Black. At some point, we were made an offer, or a threat, or I don’t remember what, since it put me in such a state of shock that I can’t for the life of me remember exactly what it was—a perfect example of Maya Angelou’s observation that “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I do vividly remember saying to a Black woman friend afterwards, “I’ve had my intelligence dissed on account of being a woman, but I have never ever, in all my born days, been treated like a little monkey without a brain. It’s breathtaking.” My friend said, “That’s exactly right. It takes your breath away.” Which I took to mean that she’d had more than a little experience of it herself.
The men’s-liberation and anti-racist teacher Charles Kreiner said, decades ago, “Every White adult knows this: that if you attempt to stand up against and/or stop racism, [White racists] will target you, just as though you were a person of color.” He also said that White racism is “really an act of cowardice.” When we stand shoulder to shoulder with our Black and other friends of color, we get what our friends get, and breathtaking insults may be the least of it, but we don’t desert our friends in their hour of need. And I can personally testify that it’s well worth it, because when we stand together, we can win!
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